Happy New Year!!! 2010

As you can see, it has been quite some time since I had some FACE time... August it looks like?
Well, it IS a new month, year, and decade, so I guess it's time the procrastination stops.

So, some good news!!! I found out that my insurance as of this year DOES cover the LAP BAND!!! I'm THRILLED! I'm also a little nervous, because I have to force myself out of denial. I think for so long, I have been wanting what I couldn't have, and now that I CAN have it, I'm scared that it's never going to really be mine.

Why do we do things like that to ourselves? You know, I've had a lot of tears in the last 6 weeks or so... random things bring leaky faucets to my eyes, and I have decided that among the many things I have to do to fix myself, the first thing I have to do is LOVE MYSELF! I say this not in a boastful way, but in a way that brings a sense of identity to who I am, what my goals are, and what I want for my children, my family, and myself.

Like millions of people, I love Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser. I thought about applying to be on the show, I even filled out the application, but didn't send it in because I was afraid! Yes, afraid! I was afraid of being selected, then afraid of being below the yellow line, and afraid of being voted off because, "I'm not ready to go home," like everyone always says. If we're being honest here, the truth is I am afraid of facing everything that I've stuffed down inside me for so long, and I know those are the things I have to face and really come to peace with before I can really love myself.

When we examine ourselves up close and personal, we are so keenly aware of every flaw we have, and have ever had, that it's hard to see the beauty. In Nelson Mandela's famous inaugural speech, he says,

"We ask ourselves, who am I to be gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a Child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Oh, how I want to be that strong person liberating others from their fears!

My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure. It is my light, not my darkness, that frightens me most. I ask myself, 'Who am I to be gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who am I NOT to be? I am a Child of God. My playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around me. We are all meant to shine, as children do. I was born to make manifest the glory of God that is within me. It's not just in some of us, it is in all of us. As I let my light shine, I unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As I am liberated from my fears, my presence automatically liberates others.

Is this too much of a mission statement? Is this too much to take on? No. I can face my fear. Really I can, I will.

Since I saw my doctor in August/September, that will count as me being under a doctor's care trying to loose weight for 6 months. That means I can begin qualifications NEXT MONTH! I have to loose 10%! TEN PERCENT! THAT'S 27 pounds! Plus get a sleep study, and psychiatric evaluation done! WOW! Better get busy!

I really am coming face to face with myself... I will like what I see, embrace myself (warts and all), and love myself.